I decided to write this blog as a way for me to let go of thoughts and feelings I have as I go through this journey dealing with dystonia. I do not write my thoughts here to try and get sympathy, attention, etc...I am writing this blog for myself, and for anyone who gains anything at all from reading it.
I have recieved some wonderful, heartfelt messages already since I have started this blog. It surprised me at how deeply my family and friends feel about the words I have written. I have been concerned about writing certain feelings and/or experiences here because I do not want to worry or upset anyone.
The purpose of this blog for me is to be able to look back on a past entry and learn from it. I can see, okay, I am taking things way too seriously, etc...
What I will learn from this remains to be seen. When I write something I have gone through on my blog, it makes me sad to think that anyone I care about is using any energy or time worrying or being sad for me. By the time I spew it all out on this page, I have already thought about it, lived through it and have moved on so any time worrying about me is wasted because I am probably laughing with family and friends or eating icecream right now (my favorite medicine).
I always will appreciate all of the love and support I have recieved from everyone. I know who has my back and I do not want anyone I care about worrying about me. I do not want anyone to feel guilty for living their lives and being sad because I am at home. The only thing keeping me from doing more is me. I still want to hear about the hike you went on, or the family trip you took, the marathon you ran.
I see writing my thoughts down as such a positive thing. I have included a picture of myself that has been on my refrigerator for several years. Jim took it and put on the fridge because he likes the picture. It is my "pre-dystonia" picture. When I look at that picture, I do not feel sad. I think, wow, I am smiling for all the wrong reasons there. Well, that and "wow, I need new sunglasses." I do not want to go back to that "me."
I do not feel alone. I have my family and friends and all of their wonderful support and I have God. Not a day goes by that I do not truly thank God for everything in my life, including and most importantly, dystonia, without which, I would not be who I am today.